biggest betrayal of all

he still held my heart in his hand and that was his biggest betrayal of all

Everyone always says that you're not the same person you were before you fell in love with someone else. I guess that's mostly true. I know it's true for me. I actually don't even remember who I was six months ago, and unfortunately I don't even remember having a solid day where the image of his face didn't cross my mind. I have a lot of bitterness towards him for many reasons; like the fact that I can't listen to certain songs or go to certain places because they remind me of him. Maybe that just means that I'm pathetic. But I guess that's fine, I can accept that I guess. I know I'll have my good days and bad days, and that's fine too. But even though the sun is shining today, and the birds are chirping in the distance, I am having a bad day today. I want to talk to my friends about it, I do. But it's been six months that he has been on my mind and they're probably getting sick of hearing his name, and I suppose talking about it makes me dwell on it, but I can't suppress my emotions either. Leah asked me the other day if I regretted anything that I had done, if I regretted taking the risk and loving him. I didn't have to think twice. I don't regret loving him. I don't regret pouring my heart out to him. Leah and all my other friends think that I'm a different person, and I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing. Maybe I shouldn't have fallen so hard for him, but there's nothing I can do about that, now can I? I can sit here and write a thousand pretty little things for the way I feel about him, but I know that will never force him to want to be with me. I wish I didn't worry and cry and pout about the things that I cannot change. I wish I didn't think of scenarios of him falling in love with someone else. I don't want him to forget about me. I want him to remember the way we would laugh and talk while sitting on his bed. I want him to remember my smile and the blue dress I wore while we danced to The Beatles in his bedroom. I want him to ache the way that I am aching, and sometimes I feel like he might be, and some days I don't. I need to stop taking responsibility for this. I keep looking at other girls that he knows and I imagine him falling for them, but why? All that does is torture me. I am pathetic. I am pathetic. I am pathetic. And I talk to my Aunt Sylvia about it, and I think she knows how much I love him, but she knows that I will find someone new. And maybe they will give me the same magnificent feelings he did and maybe he will be a speck in my memory. That makes me sad too, because I don't want him to be a memory in my life; I want him to always be a constant. She tells me to put it in God's hands, that if it is meant to be it will be; but it's sometimes hard to just accept that, which also makes me feel pathetic. And maybe it sounds selfish, but I don't want him to have a good time in Utah this summer. I want him to see those bright stars and be reminded of how we both loved shooting stars. This post is really pathetic but I needed to let it out. I'm tired of crying and I'm tired of hurting and I'm tired of thinking about him. I wish he were here with me, but now I know that he never will be.

His five month regret.

You meant it. 

Seven months ago when I met you I had no idea that it was possible to feel this much for another person, that you could get so many butterflies inside your stomach to the point that you didn't know what to do with yourself. I had no idea that those feelings existed, and at the time I remember praying to God, asking him to make you stay. I felt so lucky to have you. Five months ago when you told me you didn't want to be with me, I was so upset, I had no idea that I could miss someone so much. I couldn't listen to certain songs without me thinking of you, and almost everything reminded me of you; certain inside jokes that we had, certain conversations. I kept imagining that you would regret it, that you would miraculously change your mind, that you missed me. I imagined what I would say back to you, and even though I would've done anything to get you back, I decided to finally let you go. I moved on, and although he made me happy, whenever he touched me or looked at me I imagined it was you. That made me resent you. I couldn't enjoy anyone else because I was still missing you. I still wanted you, and I didn't know why and of course I would never admit that to anyone. I hadn't seen you for two months, not really anyways. I'd see you from time to time but it was so hard to see you, to just be your friend. It made my heart ache. I missed you, but just being your friend when I wanted something more was worse. 

So when I saw you on Friday, with your plaid that I used to love so much I tried my best not to be in your presence. Sometimes I didn't like to see you happy, because that meant you were happy without me, and maybe that sounds selfish but it was the truth. I was sad over you and waited for you for so long and you never came. I was merely, disappointed. And then he saw me and you hugged me and you whispered in my ear, "Emily, I've missed you so much." I wanted to cry, and before I could I lost your grip and I went outside. I hated this house, so many memories of you. Of you and me together. Where we first met. The family room where we would sit and talk about our favorite music. I would never tell anyone that though of course, and as I stood in the backyard with a beer in my hand, reminiscing over the memories we had together, you walked down the porch steps and started talking to me and we talked randomly about the night that we had met and you said that the thing you remember the most about that night was walking me back to my car across campus. You remembered. That was when I fell for him, when I knew I wanted him. So we talked more and hugged some more and danced some more and then you grabbed my hand, but I pulled it away, I knew you had had some drinks. And then you looked at me and said "I think I made a really bad decision in December." My stomach dropped and I looked at you and I followed you outside, to the back porch where I first laid eyes on you. If I would've known then what I know now.

We stood on the porch and you said "I think I regret my decision that I made in the winter." I had to catch my breath, and I said "by decision, what do you mean? The decision to not be with me?" and you looked at me and you said "yes. I was just really scared. These last few months have pretty much been awful and I know it's because I haven't had you. Autumn quarter I was so outrageously happy and I know it's because you were with me. I was scared of getting hurt, so I hurt you instead, but honestly I just have not been happy. I haven't talked to other girls, because you have been the only one I've wanted. I've only talked to like two girls my whole life, and you're the only one that's mattered." I didn't know what to say except, "why didn't you tell me?" and you replied, "I thought you hated me, and then I would see you and you wouldn't talk to me. And then I saw you with another guy and it made me sick to my stomach. I knew that that was my fault. You could be with me, had I not made that decision."

I felt like I was in a dream. I had imagined of this moment for months and hours and now that it was finally happening I had no idea what to say. I don't even remember what I said after that but before we went back inside, you asked me if we could be like we had been before, I said yes but told you of course that my guard would be up. So we went to your room and I sat on your bed and you played the Beatles, and you held my hand. It was so effortless to hold your hand, and it gave me those same butterflies that I used to get. And then you said, "I'm sorry for what I did to you, I have so many regrets. You were just so awesome and you were everything that I wanted, and I didn't think it would work out because it seemed too good to be true. You are the best person that I have ever met." Right then, I knew that I could've kissed you and I was so happy that I wanted to cry. And we talked more, and we told each other our fears and said that we would be there for each other to try to make this work. And then you danced with me to The Smiths, until it was three in the morning and it was time for me to leave. 

And then we went to dinner last night at Cornerstone cafe, where we had our first date. And I was happy and I was so comfortable with you. I wasn't nervous, I got butterflies but they were the good ones. You know the kind where you feel pleasant and happy. And then I saw you and it was deja vu from all the times we would drive in my car. And then we were at dinner and we made sure we ordered the same thing we did on our first date. And then over our meal, you said the same thing that made my heart break five months ago. 

"I think I made a huge mistake with everything that I expressed to you last night. I just had a lot to drink. I think we should just stay friends. I'm not really sure what I want right now in my life and I'm just a really flaky person. I'm really sorry and I feel horrible."

No. You meant what you said, alcohol or no alcohol. I know you did. You just don't say things like that and not mean it. Just man up to how you feel for once. I don't wanna see you. I can't be your friend. Thank you for such an emotional roller coaster. So now I'm back where I was five months ago. Does that make you feel better? I wish you made things easy. I wish you would just be with me. I'm just so hurt and confused. 

just a good ole' bit of ramblin'

While on campus I have found that I have a lot of time on my hands, so I always end up writing down my thoughts instead of working on school work. I always jot down little thoughts in my composition notebook, so today I decided to write them in my real journal, this xanga. 

1. I keep listening to "mars over sea" by my friend's band. It's so wonderful.
2. M. Ward's new album is lovely, too.
3. I realized the other night as I was trying to fall asleep that it has been six months that I have known him and thought about him. That's half a year. A normal person would probably think that that was six months wasted; however I think otherwise. I have learned so much about myself.
4. Maybe it is a bit wasted; I've spent the majority of that six months missing him. I need to stop missing people that don't miss me in return.
5. I keep making mental lists of things I was to do: 1. Make an art education playlist. 2. write down one thing each day that makes me happy.
6. Lately a lot of things have put me in a good mood.
    1. The fact that the "best is yet to come."
    2. The concert that I will be attending on Friday
    3. How I am so content with life at this very moment and the "zip bong" game.
    4. Katie's thoughtful picture messages.
    5. My friend Patrick and how the song "domino" reminds him of me.
    6. How my brother talks about me at his work. Good things of course.
    7. When Adam put me on the "guest list" at one of his concerts.
    8. How Kelsey texted me when she say a Beatles poster at Blockbuster
    9. The fact that my parent's still gave me candy on Easter even though I'm 19.
7. As I was making this list I remember how six months ago I made a list of all the things in my life that made me happy. I looked at it the other day and a lot of those things included him. It's a great feeling now that none of the things that make me happy now, include him anymore.
8. This "mars over sea" song is so delightful. I just really wanted to include that again.
9. Whenever I watch Titanic it makes my heart feel heavy. I wonder what it's like to be so sure of a love like that. Maybe that sounds really corny, but I really do wonder about it sometimes.
10. I feel as though I have learned so much in my psychology 376 class, although I am beginning to feel the weight of taking twenty credit hours.
11. Even though I hate to admit it, he is sometimes on my mind when I write in my journal, only because I always expressed how much I enjoyed to write.
12. I laugh at my passed journal entries when I was sad about him. I almost make it sound as if it had been the end of the world. But it wasn't - it really wasn't.
13. I talk with my friend Cloe a lot about relationships and such. I miss her a lot now that she's in Cincinnati. We sometimes talk and wonder about what our next relationship will be like. I don't know what mine will be like but I know that it will be so extraordinary that I won't even think about the last boy that broke my heart. 
14. I should probably get going now.
15. Bye! 

Some things make my heart heavy, but not everything.

I love you.
I loved you. 

Words cannot express how sleepy I am at this very moment, even though I truly thought I got enough sleep last night. I've been very busy with school, ya know with taking 20 credit hours and all. Speaking of school I probably should be doing school work instead of journaling, but I always choose to write down my thoughts instead. I have so many random thoughts tonight I feel like. So I suppose I'll just list them at a rapid speed before I forget them, eh?

1. The song that's playing on spotify right now, is rather good. I think I'll download it later.
2. I saw a picture of him the other day. He looked different. A lot different then from when he and I dated. Different. But not in a good way I don't think.
3. My friends' band won a battle of the bands competition the other day at the Newport on campus. It was cool. They're good.
4. An old man came into work today and he danced and it was probably one of the cutest things that I have ever seen.
5. I noticed a cute boy the other day at my friend's concert. He's in his band. Why hadn't I ever noticed him before?
6. Easter dinner was weird. It was at my brother's new house with his fiance's family there too. I'm not used to our families combining yet.
7. My aunt sent my mom a picture of my Grandmother that she found. She was laughing in the picture and it made my heart feel slightly heavy.
8. I feel like I have about a thousand things I should be doing, but yet I always find myself here.
9. I don't really miss him at all anymore. He makes me kind of angry. I have no desire to see him. Is that bad?
10. I really miss some of my friends. I mean, the ones that haven't let college change them, of course.
11. I saw Titanic in 3D, and it was great. I'm not ashamed I spent $13.50 on a movie, yeah.
12. Ugh, previous journal entries of mine break my heart. And Regina Spektor's voice makes my heart feel heavy too.
12. I should probably get off here and get some school work done. Or I don't know I'll probably sleep instead. Yeah, sleep sounds lovely right now.

Listen to "Head Rolls Off" by Frightened Rabbit.
The band's name is a bit odd, but I promise they have really good music! :) 

please remember me, happily

"you must stay drunk on writing so reality may not destroy you."

This week has been somewhat of a rough one. I can't really pinpoint one specific thing that rubbed me the wrong way this week, I suppose it's just been a cluster of different things. But I guess it happens every once in awhile and I guess it could be a lot worse. This week I've been finding myself thinking about him again, but only this time I have a hard time remembering the happy times but rather I remember how he broke it off with me during finals week and how he didn't talk to me much after that. Or how he went to New York City over Christmas break, and when I saw him on New Year's he acted as if what we had had never existed. And now I hear songs that remind me of him, and I no longer feel sadness but rather I feel a sting of resentment and that sometimes makes me feel sad because as much as he hurt me, I never wanted to resent him. But sometimes I do. And now I keep listening to the song "trapeze swinger" by Iron and Wine because it reminds me of how I feel about him now. I guess just about relationships in general. I read somewhere an article about a girl who just got over her first true break up and how she feels like there was a "before" and "after" of herself before and after the relationship. I agree because sometimes when I think about it, I can't really remember who I was before I went through what I did with him. I think that's a good thing too, because even though I went through that and it hurt a lot, I think I became a lot stronger. It's been a few months but I still find myself thinking about him at random times and just think of completely random conversations that we had. I remember him telling me that he was really indecisive about his major, and now every single time I see the fliers for the geology club on campus I immediately think of him but that's just the way it is. I haven't talked to him in awhile and that's okay because I suppose it helps me to get over him. I worry about him though. I resent him, but I really do hope he's doing well. 

go listen to "trapeze swinger" by Iron and Wine. It's wonderful.