my obsession with my weight.

since the start of my summer (which now has been a month), i have wanted to get my body into shape - it's not that i wanted to become stick thin, i just wanted to look a little toned and healthy - but i have recently discovered that a healthy journey has now turned into somewhat of an obsession. i look in the mirror at least three times a day checking to see if i have made any progress and sometimes (I HATE TO ADMIT IT!) but i count my calories while i am eating, which if anyone has ever done this, in my opinion i think it is a complete waste of time, because c'mon you're gonna eat that piece of cake anyways. 

but, while i looked in the mirror today i couldn't help but say to myself "emily what the hell are you doing?"

i have taken this healthy journey of mine and turned into something of judgement saying to myself "emily, those curves should probably be gone by now" or "okay, where are my abs that jillian michael promised me?" i used to workout for comfort but now i workout as a competition between myself and my weight. which, counting calories is no way to live in my opinion, so why the hell have i spent the passed month living this way? i enjoy working out - as a matter of fact i love it and i firmly believe that everyone should have some kind of workout regimen no matter their weight and no matter their age. working out and eating fruits is good for you - but it's also good for you to splurge on sweets and foods that make you happy - but in moderation.

because honestly, i just love food too much to quit is and occasionally i love to have a nice chocolate doughnut at 2am - i mean who the hell ever told me i couldn't eat the foods that i love every once in awhile? i mean yes, i have curves and i understand that there are some women who don't have the curves that i do but that doesn't mean i should love myself any less. everyone is different and everyone's body handles things differently and have different types of metabolism - but just because you don't look like a super model doesn't mean you're any less of a person.

i mean, i love my doughnuts and my chipotle and my fried chicken way too much. 

i don't know why i have obsessed about this for a month now - life is too short to not enjoy the things that you love - food definitely being included.

sometimes when it's late at night i think about all the memories and all the possibilities that has become my life. i think of all the boys i have loved, the boys i will always love, and the one single man who i yet to meet that will capture my heart forever. and i think of all the songs that i have listened to that have made me cry and have given my goosebumps, and all the songs that have i yet to hear. the places i have seen, the hands i have touched and everything else in between. i feel blessed to have seen those amazing places and met such amazing people, and i think about the sadness that i experienced just a few short months ago, and this place where i am now seemed to have been so out of reach that even the thought of my future seemed hazy. and then i think of who i am now and what i want to accomplish in this life that i have been blessed with; often, i find myself becoming overwhelmed with all the possibilities of this life that i am living - traveling, working, laughing, eating, speaking, - often i think common gestures and common language is taken for granted. smiling - especially smiling. people don't do it often enough, they underestimate the value of a single smile. well, i can assure you that i am smiling - something that was very hard to do just a few short months ago. 

it gets better. 

16 - so excited i was tagged!

16 things about yourself, mention who tagged you, tag 10 people to do it.

@jus_me_martat tagged me! :)

1. i have a love affair with words; I used to study psychology, but just recently changed my major to English - deciding to study to fulfill my happiness and study what i am passionate about regardless of how much money it will put in my bank account.

2. i have extreme wanderlust - literally i want to travel every where and anywhere. i'd love to live in a big city where no one knows my name. at least for a little while; i don't think i could ever permanently leave my hometown of Columbus. Unless it's for London, England - I would do anything for beautiful London.

3. Even though I am 20 years old, my preteen fangirl tendencies come out every so often for One Direction. And for all my regular readers, you know that I am also completely in love with Ed Sheeran. I have seen him in concert twice!

4. i'm a lover of sundresses, rompers, oxford shoes and ginormous sweaters that you can always find at thrift shops. (what what what what) 

5. my best friends are more like sisters to me than anything else. i don't know what i would do without them.

6. i've never really had a serious relationship, and though most people would be completely bummed out about it, i find it to be more a blessing than anything else. i know who i am, and i don't need to depend on anyone else to make me happy. i am happy where i am, and i am ALONE.

7. I have the tendency to listen to "old" music while I write - Elton John, The Beatles, Bob Dylan - just to name a few.

8. If I could concoct my own personal diet (weight gain not possible) it would consist of the beach club from Jimmy Johns, Chipotle, any and all kind of Chinese food, excessive amounts of guacamole, funfetti cupcakes, and Raising Canes chicken. 

9. My dog, Maggie has made me wonder if I was really meant to be a "dog lady" instead of a writer. I love her a lot. 

10. As you probably guessed, I am an avid reader. I read the Harry Potter books every Winter. I am always open to book suggestions! :)

11. I go to The Ohio State University so I am a huge College Football Fan. 

12. i'm not that big of a drinker, but a nice cold beer is good every once in awhile - especially in the summertime! 

13. christmas is my favorite holiday for obvious reasons, and then thanksgiving because it gives me an excuse to eat all day with no judgement, and then the fourth of july is my third favorite so i can play with sparklers and cook on the grill and through pop its and my brother's feet - i am essentially an 8 year old living in a 20 year old's body.

14. i'm a crier. i cry at wonderful movies and beautiful songs and i have cried at the top of the Eiffel Tower, at Abbey Road, and at Rockefeller Center in NYC just because I was happy to be there. 

15. I went through a period of time in my life where I suffered from depression and had to see a therapist. It does get better, life is too beautiful and too wonderful to miss. 

16. I would love to say that I am not addicted to social media like instagram and twitter but i am. you can follow me here and here 

a lot of people i am subscribed to have already filled this out!! so i don't know who to tag!!! 

sunday.

i am in the silliest of moods today, despite the fail of a party night last night was.

it's summer and i am happy - but i am wishing for less humidity and more sunshine for this ohio weather 

and sometimes i get a surge of wanderlust and i get sad that i have zero dollars in my bank account

but then i smile because it is summer and there's a huge box of popsicles in my freezer 

it is sunday. my father is grilling sunday dinner. i am happy. 

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high school - it wasn't so bad.

[ to see more of me and the life i am living through pictures, videos, and more please visit here ]

when i graduated high school two years ago, i was more than ready to leave. it wasn't so much as that i didn't like my 198 other classmates, rather i was ready to graduate and spread my wings. on graduation day, i don't remember crying much - just utter happiness and self fulfillment in the fact that i was now a high school graduate.
but tonight, there's an unexpected nostalgia that i am feeling as i watched my former high school's promotion video that they had posted on vimeo. i had begun to watch it just as curiosity, but by the fifteen minute finish, tears were pouring down my cheeks.

it started with students out on the front steps of the school, and then proceeding to show students and teachers throughout the schools hallways and rooms and football field, all while singing and dancing. all these rooms and all these teachers i have not seen since i walked across that graduation stage two years ago.

each room and each face held a memory from start to finish. such as the school's front steps where i remember sitting and waiting for my mom to pick me up after freshman year volleyball practice and how consistently, every day after school mr. steller the dean of students would yell at fast drivers in the parking lot.

or the gymnasium and it's purple bleachers where i had sat for several school masses (i went to a private school) and pep rallies which i had sworn had been a stupid waste of time back then. but why, then did i get a certain surge of nostalgia to hear the band play my former school's alma mater?

and then the hallways are where the real tears hit - maybe making up for my absence of tears on graduation day. the hallways, where the video went past my senior year locker and my freshman one too - the one i hated because it wasn't next to the cafeteria - that's where the cool kids' lockers were. and then the teachers - the old ones and the new ones and the ones that had stayed with me after school so i would be able to understand chemistry and math problems, and the ones that yelled at me for talking too much.

but then there was the senior courtyard - which was centered in the very center of my former square of a school. from the very first day of my freshman year i had dreamed of setting foot on the brick walkways of that courtyard as a senior, and now that i am now a COLLEGE JUNIOR i can now say that those years of waiting and then actually being in that courtyard seem to have gone before me in a blink of an eye. I had spent hours of "studying" in that courtyard during senior study hall, and took countless pictures with my best friends - and now seeing this video and seeing these seniors of 2013 i want to yell at them and say, "no! that courtyard is mine! get out!" and now i am beginning to cry again.

but lastly there was the football field, which if you live in columbus ohio, you know that football is the epitiome of this town - and, it was just that at my school. every fall friday night i was cheering in that stadium. i was even there as a sixth grader while my brother went to that school. i had spent several fridays wishing i had been a football cheerleader instead, and some fridays i was in the crowd flirting with my latest crush, but every football friday night i was just so happy to be apart of that crowd.

and now, as i am ending this post i have come to the realization that maybe high school hadn't been so bad after all.