life is full of disappointments and it isn't fair.

I don't know what is wrong with me. I have everything I need right here: an amazing family, great friends, i'm healthy. I have spent time with my friends almost everyday. We've gone to movies, dinners, drive ins.

It just seems like no matter what I do, and no matter who I'm with Justin pops into my mind, and it's completely and totally unfair. I don't want to think about him, I'm not even sure if I want to even be with him. Okay, maybe I'm in denial because of course I want to be with him. If I didn't I wouldn't be blogging about this right now.

I think maybe why he is still on my mind, is because I have so many questions that I would like to ask him. We kind of just left things unfinished, which left my mind a total circus of unanswered questions, and over analyzing.

I think what maybe irks me is the fact that he hasn't tried to talk to me since the basketball game incident. Which makes me think that maybe he walked away because he didn't want to be with me, not because he was high. Which also makes me wonder if he was just talking to me because he was nice and didn't want to be mean, not because he sincerely wanted to talk to me.

life is full of disappointments and it isn't fair at all.

i'M DREAMiNG OF A WHiTE CHRiSTMAS...

I'm a little angry that Ohio is not having a White Christmas this year. In fact, I just watched that movie and it was brilliant. I now wish to live in the 50's and Bing Crosby's voice is extremely soothing. I went out to eat with my family tonight, however we didn't make it to Church, and I feel bad.

I enjoyed a really fun night out with my friends last night. We went out to dinner and to a movie and hung out at Sonic yesterday, thanks to our nice heated cars. It was fun and I laughed and I thoroughly enjoyed myself, however I still sometimes find myself thinking about Justin. I haven't talked to him since the incident at the basketball game.

I need to move on. I need to let go. I need to put all these feelings aside and be grateful that I have an amazing family to share the holidays with.

I hope you all have a safe and blessed Christmas.

my 10 things :)

10 things I like about myself.

1. I'm constantly smiling. People say that I smile too much, but I believe that if your happy, why not show it?
2. I have morals.
3. I have a really close bond with all my friends and I'm glad that I have that.
4. I'm 50% portugese and 50% lebanese.
5. I'm not self-centered and conceited. I tend to think of others before I think of myself.
6. I have extremely rosy cheeks (lol). I don't even need to wear blush!
7. I'm very good at telling stories.
8. My friends all come to me for advice, which makes me feel good because its nice to know that they can trust me with anything.
9. I'm not afraid to stick up for myself, and other people for that matter.
10. I have excellent taste in music! :)

This one was for you, Nick! :)

ohhhh, i don't know.

It hurts to know that I would thoroughly enjoy being with him right now, and I'm probably not in a glimpse of his mind. I wish I didn't keep thinking about it, but I can't. I keep over analyzing everything, wondering what is wrong with me. What did I do wrong. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. I know I didn't do anything, but why do I feel this way? I never want to feel this way again.

What was the point of him coming back into my life if I was just going to get hurt? But, then again, I guess things in life don't necassarily have to have a point, do they? I can't stand this. I want him to want to talk to me. I guess he doesn't, or maybe he's off flirting with other girls while I sit on my couch watching romance movies. Or maybe he's off getting drunk or high somewhere for fun, while my idea of fun is staying up late watching bugs bunny cartoons and the three stooges. But I know that wherever he is, he isn't thinking of me.

I don't want to feel this way again. I want to talk to him. I hate him. I'm disappointed in myself. I should have known this wouldn't work. Way to good to be true.

how i fell for a druggie.

So as many of you know, I have been "talking" to a certain boy. I had never "talked" to a boy before, you know in high school, the weird "you like me, I like you but we're not dating", kind of thing. Okay, well with this boy, Justin I think I have been doing a pretty good job at keeping him interested in me.

In fact, I have gone completely out of my comfort zone in order to talk to him. I started talking to him first, AND I even asked for his number. Anyone that knows me, knows that never in a million years would I have asked for a boy's number.

Justin and I have even talked about hanging out again, especially over Christmas break. And, okay I'll be honest with you, after a few weeks of talking to him, I fell for him. He was always there, and I'd talk to him everyday. He was cute, and genuinely a nice person. I could tell that he didn't show interest in me just because he wanted something out of me, If you catch my drift.

So tonight at the basketball game, I'd figure it would be the perfect oppurtunity to hang with him. So, when I saw him sitting by himself I finally got the courage to go up and sit next to him. I said hello and he turned to me, said hi back except something in his face really caught my eye. His eyes were bright red. Extremely bloodshot and he looked like he had just woken up from a long night of sleep. People had been talking about how he looked stoned. I mean I knew he drank on occassion, but seriously getting high? So I just had to ask.

"wow, are you high?" I asked.
He looked extremely mad. "Seriously? Why would I do that stuff at a basketball game if I knew people were going to be around?"
"I don't know, because you've done that before." (Which he has).
He didn't say anything so I think I started talking about how I was glad Christmas break was here, and that exams were finally over with.

And then he stood up... and he said "Emily I think I'm going to leave the game..."

And then he walked away, except he went and sat with his friends, and didn't leave the game.

And I'm extremely disappointed, and I feel like an idiot.